Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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