You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
