I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
