The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
