I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
