While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
