Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize