you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
