I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
