im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
