im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Let's get the cat blown out
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
