remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My day in three words: secret purse cake
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
