Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
