Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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