This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
