I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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