if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
