I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
