I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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