your parents love me but you hate me
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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