Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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