he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
