So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
