So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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