If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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