i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
