Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
