it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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