I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
