Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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