I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
