Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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