there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
