Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
