He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
