I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
