I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we're making bets on your personal life
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
