The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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