I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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