Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
What drink are we having for lunch?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
