I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
