can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You're a waste of cheezeits
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
