And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
