I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize