my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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