Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This baby is an asshole
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
