At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
