saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So. Much. Porn.
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