she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize