Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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