what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
