Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
