have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
