god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
