Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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