why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
