I feel like abortions should bother me more
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Randomize
