When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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