Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize