Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize