Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Let's get the cat blown out
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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