My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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