I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
